Friday, May 1, 2009

Bittersweet Day

Okay, today is another reason I believe in silver lining.
Today was fantastic in some ways and sickening in others. Sickening is the first thing I'll talk about so I can get it out of the way and then look at the positives. The scene we were "working" on this week is what we performed in Drama class today. We crashed and burned. It was horrible. But I felt safe because Mrs. Kleesattel told us we could drop the scene if we didn't feel comfortable with it. When we asked her if we could drop 6th bell though, she got really angry and I'm not repeating words that make me feel so bad. Don't worry, it's not like she swore or called us untalented or anything, I just don't want to have a precise and clear memory of Mrs. Kleesattel, my first real Drama mentor, being that disappointed and angry at me. I felt sick for a long time after she 'talked' with us. That emotional sickness that's an enormous mixture of guilt, anxiety, and anger and disappointment in yourself. Kind of the way you'd feel if you just completely let down someone who was trying to help you and they slammed the door in your face for it.
But then a window opened. I went to study hall after this incident. Butterflies made of lead were pounding against the lining of my stomach, my head was spinning in all the things I should have done better, and I was pretty sure there were enough tears forming in me to flood the tri-state area. I usually love my study hall. Typically it's the forty-five minutes of my day spent giggling with Kali, Daniel, and Cedric talking movies, music, and sex jokes. But I couldn't do it today. And I wasn't about to cry in front of those guys. I was afraid if I broke down they wouldn't know how to take it. So within a few minutes of entering my study hall I begged to run to the bathroom. My cell phone was shoved in my pocket and I planned to let out some tears, then attempt to call my mom, who can always make things better like only mom's can. But walking toward the girl's bathroom, which I NEVER have done during sixth bell in the entire history of my education at this school, is where I found what I needed. And it's name was Liz.
All right, Liz Brazile is this violinist who if she felt like it, could probably get through her entire life on her looks if she wanted. Seriously. Liz looks like an Egyptian queen. I always thought she seemed like a good person, like someone you'd like to hang out with, but since she never showed up in my regular group of friends, I doubted she even liked me that much. But she proved me wrong when she caught me in the hallway.
"Hey Alexx...are you okay?"
"Yeah...I just..." I told her everything that happened. And I never would have guessed she would have been that kind to me out of the blue. But she was! She just stood there in the middle of the hallway and told me how everyone has their bad days and no one's perfect and we all make mistakes and how you just need to move on and get over it. She even gave me a hug before she left. "Thanks Liz," I said, even though I was still crying a little. "That helped a lot."
"It's okay. I just can't stand to see my friends cry." That hit me so hard. I laughed and told her that I should go get over it before she walked away. But she made sure I felt better in the last class we had together. And I can't really explain why, but whenever anyone does something nice to me like that, fireworks go off inside me in this big beautiful explosion of 'Oh my God you guys care! You guys actually care about my tiny little life!' Especially when someone at school does it. When someone helps me, it's one of those things where no matter what just happened to me, this warm feeling of acceptance and love hits me like a wave.
And it didn't stop with just her! Everyone helped me. Rannie assured me Mrs. K would forgive me, Olivia listened to me bitch, Christina told me she loved me...Mitch even gave me a huge hug when he saw how sad I was when I crashed his Geometry class. He actually came over, consoled me, and went to put his stuff down so he could hug me properly. Even Daniel, my amazing, incredible, inhumanly evil best guy friend tried to make me feel better. "Yeah, if she forgives Mitch, she'll forgive anything." He said. I smiled. "That was supposed to make you laugh," he commanded. Ha! The only person in the world who has ever commanded me to laugh! Oh Daniel, you amazing, amazing bastard, what would I ever do without you?
Then Craig caught me at the end of the day and pretended to start a fight with me in the middle of the hallway, even accidentally ramming my backpack into a poor civilian standing nearby. And he gave me the best hug before I left. Even my dad got in on it! I'd informed him about the problems with the scene and in English I texted him randomly and asked him if this was stupid and if I was a failure for dropping it. I didn't even think he liked it when I used text to reach him, but I soon got one back that said, "No, honey you're not a failure!" We even got a treat on the way home. Sliders. As usual :)
You know, looking back on the events of today, there is no way in the world that it's fair to have this many people be so friendly to stupid me in such a short period of time. I wish everyone is surrounded by people this supportive all the time. Because right now it feels like I am. And even though I still feel a little bummed, I also feel like the luckiest girl in the world :)


  1. Wow! I honestly agree with them all. You're teacher will definatly forgive you, and you seem like you have amazing friends. I wish my friends were like yours. If I'm having a bad day my friends knock me in the head and then skip off to go tell the closest person to leave me alone because I'm in a bitchy mood lol.

  2. Sometimes not everything we do can be perfect. I remember how I felt when I got my first F! Hey you don't know who you are until you fail at something right? ;) And I'm sure your teacher will forgive you, they're there to help you learn and not to judge. Have a great weekend!